Should Parents Step In When Kids Make Friends?

Some children are natural extroverts—within minutes at the park they’ve already formed a little circle of playmates. Others prefer to sit quietly, watching from the sidelines, barely saying a word all afternoon.

When kids struggle socially, should parents intervene? Step in too much, and we risk making things worse. Step back too far, and we may leave our child lonely.

Harvard Health Publishing once featured an article by Dr. Claire McCarthy, a paediatrician and child development expert, who pointed out that parents’ involvement isn’t optional—it plays a key role in helping children build social skills. Friendships are not innate; they can be guided, practised, and nurtured.

As McCarthy wrote: “We can’t make friends for our children, but what we can do is provide opportunities to practise social skills in a safe, supportive, and encouraging environment—helping them grow into people worth befriending.”

So parents aren’t meant to be social managers, but rather training partners in their child’s world of relationships. It’s not just about scheduling playdates—it’s about helping them understand what friendship means, how to handle emotional reactions, and how it feels to be accepted.

Friendship is a skill, not just a result

Friendship is less about the end goal and more about developing the capacity for connection. Some kids are expressive, some observant, some naturally caring. Others simply don’t know how to take that first step toward someone else.

Our role is to help them see their strengths and reduce the fear of “getting it wrong.” We can’t force friendships, but we can prepare the soil where they’re more likely to grow.

“No friends” doesn’t mean “not social”

It’s easy to label a child as “lonely” or “antisocial” if they often play alone. But often it’s not a lack of desire—it’s not knowing how to join in.

New Zealand clinical psychologist Dr. Dougal Sutherland once told RNZ:“Some children aren’t unwilling to socialise—they just need to be invited.”

It sounds simple, yet adults often focus on whether kids have friends rather than whether they feel safe to express themselves.

 

Giving friendship time to ‘practise’

Like any skill, social skills require practice. A small attempt—walking over to ask, “Can I play?” or saying, “I didn’t like that comment”—is already growth.

Parents don’t need to jump in every time, but we can help kids reflect afterwards. Instead of labelling (“You’re too sensitive”), we might ask: “When you heard that, did it make you feel

uncomfortable?” Helping children name their emotions is the first step toward navigating relationships more confidently.

A few guiding thoughts for parents

Imagine yourself not as Mum or Dad, but as your child’s first “friendship coach”:

• Observe how your child naturally behaves in groups before rushing to arrange activities.

• Don’t measure social ability only by “how many friends they have.”

• Guide them to practise expressing a wish to join in, saying no, or coping with rejection.

• Share your own stories of making friends—reminding them that being “slow to warm up” isn’t wrong.

Every friendship starts with a willingness to step closer

Kids don’t need us to choose friends for them. They need to know that as they experiment with connection, someone will stand behind them—ready to catch the awkward moments, the failures, and the hurt feelings.

You don’t have to fix every problem, and you can’t make sure they’re never alone. But you can remind them: “You deserve good friends, and you deserve to be a good friend yourself.”

That’s one of the strongest starting points for their lifelong journey of relationships.

So—did your child say hello to someone new at school today? Sometimes, that one small step is worth more than whether they “made a friend.”

📷 Images courtesy of Unsplash